So here I stand. A year and about a month from where IT all started. Three months, or thereabouts, to go until I'm finally finished with my infusions. It seems insane to think that since May of last year I've been getting poison pumped into my veins. First in the form of chemo and now in the form of herceptin, a biological drug. Good news is that my hair is growing back, my nails are better than they were, although, I will keep complaining until I have MY nails back! It seems like it's taking forever for the fungus to exit my life. Then my toenails just look crazy. The black under my big right toe is growing out, but it looks like the top part of that nail just needs to come off. My right pinky nail looks like it may come off just like the left did. All the rest..they are somewhere in between. Just not quite right.
So I mananged to slip some complaints in with the good news, so sue me. Am I as jolly as I was way back when..na. Life is getting on my nerves at the moment. It seems like everything is meant to annoy me. But for a few, the people at work are on my last nerve. What's a challenge without the resources to do it justice, without the support to back you up, without the help to give you the time to get it all done. I guess I wouldn't be me if my job was easier or if others worked as hard as I do. But at the end of the day, I'm tired of the shanagains (sp). I just want to come to work and work. One day I will find an environment like Jim's minus the nonsense he brings to the table. Until then, I'm building my skill base. I'm over the politics and dumb factions that are floating all over the hospital. Exhausting.
Back to the good news. It's getting hot. I can enjoy my summer without chemo making me feel like I'm going to die! My backyard is almost in an acceptable state, so when it stops raining, I can go commune with nature. Read, get a tan or two. Grill, just laze around and enjoy the sun. Man I can't wait. Six Flags is on my list of ways to catch a major tan. Belly Dancing is on my list of ways to catch a major man! haha. I figure it will be a fun way to get in shape and I'll learn a new skill to boot. Who knows when I just may be forced to belly dance myself out of a situation. If the herceptin stays at bay long enough, I want to hit Thai Chi in the morning.
I love that the possibilities are endless. I'm banging...read smokin hot..some kind of fine..damn gorgeous. Still getting used to my new skin and patiently awaiting my new boobs. Can't wait to see what the world brings and I'm working hard on getting rid of what DnA brought. Slowly but surely, my life will be what it is to be. I hope that I can swing getting in on this house deal with my fam. I got a lot going, but I want a solid fall back completely unrelated to the law. Plus I would love to put into something with my brothers as opposed to them putting in on me.
I'm trying to start over. Rebuild, reboot, refuel. And even though I've cleaned house. I've adjusted away where I needed to, I'm finding it hard to move on. I do for myself and I don't need anyone for that. I can take care of myself, I don't need anyone for that either. But I've grown accustom to the personalities of my two and having been for so many years (like 10), it's hard to let go. Especially when you don't really know where you are going in the first place.
My energy is starting to come and go. Some days it's with me and others it's not. Better than not, helps me take advantage of some of those endless possibilities. It's scary. What happens when I don't have to fight so hard anymore. What happens when I don't have to struggle to get out of bed, to stay awake, to stay focused at work. What happens when I get my words back. Who am I when that happens? Can I give back the emotions Cancers lent me?
I think sometime in August I'll be getting my permanent implants. I still won't have nipples, just scars that make me look like I've been molested by freddy krueger...hahaha. But at least I won't have this industrial grade steel in my chest! People keep asking if I'm going to get implants as big as the expanders. If I have my way, bigger! Not by a lot, but I'd take a cc or two more. I'm so loving my post cancer body it's crazy. I definitely wouldn't reccommend the cancer diet to anyone, but it sure served me well thus far.
I stopped taking my Lyrica last weekend and so far I'm fairing well. I can still feel it in my fingers and the bottom of my feet, but not like when my leg would be numb and I couldn't walk. Not like that time I fell. As long as I can bare it, I will not take it. One down, one to go. Too bad that one won't be done until Feb 2014. Sheesh. This whole thing annoys me now. You do what you gotta do to survive and then you've survived and they still want you to do more. Fuck! I'm a Survivor! Not a walking medicine cabinet. I'm cancer free, can't we call it a day and send the damn troops home, what with all the needles that can't find veins and pharmacsists that take 3 hours to mix your meds, which only take an hour in a half to receive.
I'm happy to be alive. I'm happy to be living my particular life. But I'm worn down. Not give up worn down, just need a second wind worn down. I gotta find the wind for my sails. The inspiration for my days. Whatever it is or maybe, I need to find it now. Before the days stop being ones to get up for. I never asked why me. Other than to help others, it doesn't matter. I'm not a bad person, I'm not be punished. I'm just walking a road I was meant to walk. Now, that I have been walking so long and standing tall through it all, I'm frustrated that I still don't have my life back. My body back, my mind back, my self back. When does it end? Does it end? The reality that it is a never ending journey is just too much for me to digest at the momement. I hold out hope that August will bring relief after crossing two more hurddles, bring relief that life can be lived without so many doctors and so many appts and so many long, boring, days, just trying to push through to the next one.
Somebody may have found Cancer Girl's cryptonite cause she's losin steam by the day. I gotta make it six flags to power up and soon!
So I'm two months post radiation and fatigue is still out of control. I sleep enough and still wake up tired. It's aggravating. You feel like now that the worst of treatment is over, I should be back to normal and I'm not. It seems like it's harder to make it through the day than it was through chemo. I'm pushing through, with no end in sight though it's harder to push through because I don't have a goal I'm pushing towards. I don't know how long I have to push through being exhausted. Work is crazy. Not stressful to me, but nonsensical and thus, aggravating. So much pettiness.
On an update note: 1) Hair is growing back; 2) Nails are still fungusy; 3) toenails are still messed up; 4) Face is bouncin back; 5) Chest is tight, but color is evening out; 6) Echo came back normal; 7) Go back to Surgeon and Plastics next month. Things seem to be going pretty good, except for the fatigue.
Went on my cruise, slept my vacation away and don't regret not one nap or early night. It was a great week. I wish I would have come back rested, but I guess there is no such thing at the moment. One of these days I will wake up and be back to some kind of normal. Wishing I was back on the boat or a beach. Sigh. Next break will be July. Hopefully kids will be here in June. I miss them terribly. The fam too. Looking good..smokin hot..tamoxifen got me out of whack..periods and hot flashes..what fun!
I actually do feel smokin hot! Literally and physically. I got through the hot flashes caused by the chemo and I got respite for a couple weeks. Now that I'm poppin the five year pill, the hot flashes are back. Night sweats too. I never realize what the night sweats are until I get the hot flashes. It's cold, I'm cold, and then all of a sudden, I'm burning up hot. What fun! My hair is thinking up, but it's still bone straight. No curls to be seen at all. That's probably a good thing for now or I'd look like a puff ball or something. My radiated skin is healing, I only had skin break down for a couple of days and then only a very small spot under my arm. It is peeling like crazy all over though and getting my clothes quite dirty! I stopped using the Aloe and started using coco butter, it is more moisturizing in my opinion. One month and counting till my cruise. Man oh man I can't wait to vacate. I have a lot of work to do before I leave and will have a lot of work to do after I return, but for now, I'm just focused on getting a break. Sail the high seas, bask in the glory that is the sun and lay on a couple beaches here and there.
I've been worrying my pretty little head off anytime I'm at home and have a chance to think. The house may have termites, I have 11 months of cleaning to catch up on and I can't seem to catch up. People at my job are driving me crazy worrying about lay offs. I probably should be worrying about that too, but I just have entirely too much to do at work to worry about things like that. I'm just there to do my job, like I was hired to do. I am thinking on taking belly dancing classes or salsa lessons. I will sign up for one of the two upon my return from the high seas. I'll probably end up doing both, since both are things I would like to be able to do.
Today is a Sunday, I got herceptin on Friday, and I feel like I've been hit by a small truck. Maybe a U-Haul size instead of the Mac that used to hit me when I was on the chemo too. It was liked this the last time I got herceptin. I didn't realize it before because I was hyped up on so many drugs, it was hard to tell which one was doing what to me. Now I can usually pick the culprit. I'm still a walking pharmacy. I'm taking Lyrica for neuropathy, which is getting better, but still bad; Tamoxifen as part of my treatment; Ambien to sleep; Ibuprofin or tylenol for pain; I use the nail stuff for my lovely fungus; vitamins to help keep me balanced since my appetite doesn't allow me to eat everything I probably need to eat; and I still have all the bottles from most of the other pills I've been on for the past almost year. I'll be glad when I'm just taking the five year pill and my vitamins. I'm gonna hop in the bath tub today and see how that goes. I think I'll give it one more week before I go get back in the pool, but after that, I'm all in. Back to the gym, on to the Abs Plus class, and swimming up a storm. I may take myself to the black circus next weekend. I think it'll be entertaining. I let cirque de sole move on without making it. Man, I can't believe I missed it. Oh well, next time. Or next time I'm in Vegas.
Monday, February 16, 2009 was the end of radiation treatment. I went six weeks with nothing but darkened skin and slight pain under my arm. Sometime last weekend, my skin broke. Not a lot, just a small place near the back of my underarm. That meant that on my last day of radiation, I got a new prescription, burn cream. You think it would be easy putting burn cream on a not so big place of broken skin, until it's under your arm and the skin surrounding it is burnt from radiation, so you can't use tape or anything that will stick to the skin to hold it in place. Laugh at that one..since I'm sure you're thinking the same thing I was...how the hell does the dressing stay in place then! Answer: It doesn't! So I put it on in the morning, tape what I can and wait for it to fall off, which it does and quickly, and hope the clothes I'm wearing don't rub so much as to make the day painful! All that said, Monday was the day. No more radiation! I had the techs help me with my movie and they got some amazing footage! Great stuff! Had dinner with J2 after work and we were both out of it..not the best dinner date..lol.
The week has been just as hectic as everyday since I returned to work, with no slow down in my future it seems. Good, since I like being busy. Bad, since I feel like I still haven't caught up on all the rest I missed pushing myself to keep up with life through the Cancer of it all. What can you do though, it's built into my DNA to work the way I do. It's just who I am. Can't wait for vacation! I may do nothing but laze around. I generally would try to do stuff..still want to scuba dive. Maybe that will be my one thing, otherwise, I've done all the watersports I care to do, I've done snorkeling twice, drinks and sun is all I really need and some nice blue water!
So Tuesday, February 17, 2009, I started taking tomaxifen. So far no real side effects. I know I'm going to have to keep up with the water I drink, as if I don't do that now..lol. We shall see what the future brings. Five years of this little white pill. Six months from round about now, I should be able to start the finish of my reconstruction. Three months from now, I'll check back in with my surgeon and my plastic surgeon. Two months from now, I'll high tail it out to the middle of the ocean, hit the bahamas I think and aruba..never been to aruba before. Love seeing new places, love even more that those new places are sunny and beachy...hahaha.
This pic is probably from a week ago. Now the entire radiated area under my arm is pink as the skin has peeled off. It's starting to peel all around, but it's not painful and hopefully by the end of next week, I'll start healing. The end of next week will be what about nine days since the final day of radiation. Then I'll have about a month to heal before heading off to fun in the sun...hopefully I can wear a swim suit without too much hassle. Maybe I'll get some of those things you wear over them, just in case.
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