Yesterday was I milestone I'd rather not have had, but I knew it was coming, I knew what I was going to do when it did and I sucked it up and did it when the time came. When I first learned that I was going to have to have chemo, I was pretty upset. I mean really, who wants to have to go thru all this madness? So I have cancer..so what. I'm not sick or at least I wasn't. There were no symptoms that I could see, nothing was affecting me physically. Clearly having cancer is not something you want to ignore, but it wasn't bothering me at the point of diagnosis. Chemo means you get sick to get better...well who wants to go from being fine, to who knows what with a world of side effect possibilities! I didn't!
Any hoo, I knew there was the possibility that chemo meant losing my hair. I watch good morning america every morning before I go to work because I like channel two and good morning america is cool, if you don't know, Robin Roberts just went thru chemo and did so somewhat publicly. When her hair started falling out, she just went and got her head shaved. I though back on that show and knew that's what I was going to do.
The rationale is this: There are a lot of things about my cancer that I cannot control. Hair loss being one of them. However, tho I may not be able to control the side effects. I can control things like how I lose my hair and how I cope with things. That being said, I made the decision to shave my head if ever my hair started coming out before it started coming out in clumps because I figured it would be much less traumatic that way and it was. The only thing bad about the whole experience was two fold actually and the first wasn't too bad: 1) I did not take a shower until late in the day because I use the weekends to clean, so I didn't know until 6 that my hair was coming out from the roots all over, nor did I realize it was a sunday and thus all salons were closed. My brother and I had to go to walmart and he had buzz my head himself; and 2) The boyfriend person and I got into it saturday and tho it wasn't anything big, i have a tendancy to use my words if you know what I mean, so yesterday was not the best relationship day to begin with and thus I didn't get all the comfort I would have otherwise (that was hard to deal with). Other than that the head shaving went something like this:
In the shower, washing my hair and realizing the hair I'm pulling out of my head feels a lot different than it ever has before. The way it's coming out feels a lot different than it ever has before. I won't say that I could feel it coming out at the root, but that is what it seemed like it felt like. I have very thick hair, that is naturally curly and when it's curly, I wash it everyday and everyday hair comes out from the previous day's styling, but it's broken hair and looks normal I guess, like the hair that comes out when most people brush. So in washing my hair, and raking my fingers through it to detangle, I can see this is not the same, normal hair loss I go thru everyday and that shit hit me like a ton of bricks...ready or not, it was time to put up or go bald like a punk! Punkin out was not what I was going to do, but boy wrapping my mind around getting a buzz cut was not as easy as deciding and not thinking about it made it seem.
I stayed in the shower a lot longer than I needed to. I was in some kind of shock, maybe not shocked, but stunned that I was really going to have to get a buzz cut whether I was ready or not and I was so not ready! I was just standing there thinking "can I really do this?" I knew I would because I said I would and I told others I would so that I couldn't back down. We were headed to walmart, prepping for chemo put me in need of organization furniture (I had to get a small chest of drawers for hats and scarves and just got a bathroom shelf for all the face n other stuff I just bought to help fight high school acne). I had a pair of dark blue cotton capris and my hoya lawya tshirt laid out for a fun filled sunday trip to walmart (too bad I didn't realize then that it was sunday, but we'll get to that in a minute).
When I realized yesterday was the last I'd have my hair, I decided to hell with my around the house/walmart outfit and to hell with moping about the whole thing. I pulled out the new yellow/white tube dress I picked up from the limited a couple months ago, a pair of white stack sandals and the beachy yellow canvas purse I bought to go with the dress and got pretty! Eff letting this shit make me sad! Eff letting this shit make me feel ugly and/or like a victim! It's an All Out War and I'm gonna beat this shit! So fuck it! My hair is going out with a bang! I even tried out a little of the bare minerals ish I picked up to help even out my strange chemo complexion! I texted the bf and told him it was time, text my mother n told her it was time and not to call cause I didn't want to talk. Put the finishing touches on my Last Hair Day outfit and strutted my cute behind down the stairs to tell my little brother (little being 24) it was time to hit Great Clips. We took some Last Hair Day pictures...which those of you who know me will receive via kodak gallery shortly...jumped in Missy...opened the sunroof...rolled down the windows...threw in Trap or Die on full blast and took what felt like the "Green Mile" to my local Great Clips.
It didn't hit me until I hit the turn into the parking lot that it was 7 pm on Sunday, not 7 pm on Saturday and everything except Kroger and Walmart is closed for the Sunday and pre-holiday. FUCK!!! What now?!?!
Before my mother left, I told her what I was going to do when my hair started falling out. She said, "you could just go get some clippers and let your brother do it." I said why in the hell would I want to put anyone thru that shit if I didn't have to...that's what they have barber shops and salons for! Good thing my brother is who he is cuz once we realized there was nowhere to go to get it done, he says "we can just go to walmart and get some clippers, you just want it buzzed, I'll do it." I didn't want him to do it, but I wasn't going to wake up in the middle of the night with my hair all over my pillow n bed...so we went to walmart, got the clippers. Went to my favorite restuarant...Long Horn...ate my Last Hair Day dinner and talked about life...came home and got to it.
It was a funny feeling...the buzz of the clippers against my head...kind of like the feel of a cheap massage chair...just vibration. I sat there, in my kitchen chair...eyes straight ahead and let him buzz me. I had him take a couple more before pictures...he stopped midway and took a couple during pictures...then finished up and I smiled for a couple after pics before jumping in the shower and washing off what was left of my hair. I avoided all mirrors until I went in the bathroom to actually get in the shower...didn't look in my room mirror, or the full wall mirror over my vanity in the bathroom when I turned the shower on. I got undressed, went into the bathroom and just stood there looking at myself. I still looked like me, I just looked like I could double for Demi Moore in that movie GI Jane. I'm still cute as all out doors and my head doesn't have anything weird on it, it doesn't seem to be shaped weird.
What is weird is that I don't always remember that I don't have any hair. I was in the car last night right after I got out of the shower...I had tied a bandanna over my head to go out and was leaning back against the head rest in my car when I ran my hands over my head before leaning back to adjust my bun so that I could lean back fully. Oh yeah, no bun, no hair at all. I've done that a couple times now, run my hands over it to adjust my hair, but there's no hair to adjust! Oh well, it's done, it was not all that traumatic and now I have to play with my scarves, hats, and wigs to figure out who I'm going to be for the next six to nine months! This shit sucks!
I did have a sad moment in the car, but I got over it and didn't cry a single tear for my hair. Why, I'll get it back at some point right and again, my mind set is...Stay Strong, Stay Positive, and Do What Has to be Done! Show no weakness and little emotion...I won't give that part of me to the Cancer.
I can't wait... Now you can start talking me and JR's (is she still going by Natasha Highstream anymore)language... come on, try it... Repeat after me:
"Oooh girl, I think I'm going to try a 18 inch yaki-perm in 2B with some 30 streaks"
Hee hee hee.
Welcome to the track club, honey!
Posted by: Amazon Goddess | May 28, 2008 at 01:34 PM