I'm so angry today. Angry about everything! I know I have to shake this feeling and fast, but fuck it (can I say fuck here) I'm saying fuck cancer, fuck family that wants to run shit that they can't understand, fuck a man that thinks the answer to a problem is to run or ignore until it's nuclear! I shoulda stuck with my first reaction and figured out how to deal with this shit on my own! I'm tired of trying to figure out how to pacify everyone when nobody is going thru what the eff I'm going through. Why the fuck do I have to make you feel good about the fact that I have cancer!!! I'm not running a feel good hotel! You want to feel good about yourself, make someone else your project! I'm not the one to be running around living my life differently because you think you need to sit under my feet or you won't come around cause this person is here or that person is around. I'm tired of house guests and feeling like I have to entertain when I'm don't feel good and even if I did I wouldn't want to do anything because I don't do anything when I am healthy. I stay in the house cause I like my house and hang out. So now that I'm tired cause of the chemo and can't eat or sleep because I can't eat due to oral yeast infections, mouth sores and lack of taste buds, I have a lovely painful rash in places I'd rather not disclose, my face breaks out and now my head breaks out too. I'm fuckin sick of chemo side effects, sick of being harrassed by well meaning, but fucking annoying people that I wouldn't talk to as much as I do if I didn't have cancer. I'm tired of being at work and every five minutes someone is coming in asking how I feel and tellin me I don't look good and I should go home. The whole think fucking sucks and in the end, I'm the only one that has to deal with all of this lovely fucking nonsense! Now I understand all too well why people go thru this shit alone, it might be hard getting to and from drs appts and to and from work when I feel off balance and fuzzy, but figuring that out will be much easier than figuring out how to keep thirty people happy when we all grew up dysfucntional, anti social, and independent! This shit is not working, I'm worn out from dealing with everyone else's feelings and problems and trying to cater to how others want to with me being sick.
Don't know how I'm going to do it, but I'll figure out how to deal with this shit myself from here on out. If anyone doesn't like fuck em all!
Phuket then! Wanna take a trip?
Posted by: Amazon Goddess | June 15, 2008 at 11:43 PM