So yesterday was my fourth round of TH. The 15 minutes of benadryl had me out of it of course, what a good nap in that chemo chair! Afterwards was cool though, I went to J's house instead of going home and sat up talking till about 11...definitely needed something different than the everyday of it all. Woke up this morn about 5:30..I say when the benadryl wore off, but who knows...all I know is saturday mornings I'm up by 4:30/5:00 am like clockwork. Got sick to my stomach this morning, but not so bad as the first week of these meds. I've picked up more weight...129.7...only 5.3lbs to go to reach my goal of 135. Don't know what's gonna happen when I reach it since it has to be the meds makin me pick it up, since I couldn't put on any weight before I started chemo. I guess if I go too much over, I'll just drop some when I'm done. I'm about to start hitting the gym and doin my yoga for abs cause I want to stay right around 135. Hell it's lookin like 135 is only going to bump me up to a 2...mayb I should go for 140?? We'll see what 135 looks like and if I have the cash to gain anymore weight...my zeros are getting quite snug!
So my mother is going to walk a day in the Atlanta 2 day...isn't that cool?? I've been cuttin stress out of my life like I said I would. Got some more cuts to make...well pretty much just need to finalize my original cuts. Put an end to the madness once and for all. Someone who must be pretty wise said not every body is a friend, friend and boy if that is not the God's honest truth! Not many people are friend, friends...doesn't matter how much you love someone...doesn't matter if they are fam or not fam...not everybody can have friend, friend status and not everybody should get friend, friend perks! So genorous (why can't I spell and why don't I care?) me isn't gone, not close, just picky and only holdin down friend, friends cause they are the ones that hold me down. Every body else...watch out...it's a new me in town...like, love it...or move on! But one thing I've realized is I can't take care of me if I'm constantly takin care of those that wouldn't return the favor..hell I can't take care of me takin care of people that would return the favor right now and top priority is takin care of me and my health. Havin fun, stayin positive, and livin the life!
Now back to chemo day..why oh why do I get there to a new nurse..she was nice and all, but got snapped on just a bit when she was the bearer of news that my orders weren't right. "You're here to get herceptin right?" And taxol lady..."oh, no, you're orders are only for hercepting...you're only supposed to get taxol for three days...that's what the orders say." Now listen here, I'm up on everything going on with me..know when and where to report for the next three months of my life..know what I'm supposed to be getting, when I see the doctors and when I don't, what side effects to expect and when to expect them and I'll be damned if you are not going to give me the poison I came here to get! What a waste of my time it would be if ya'll didn't poison me each week like you're suppsed to! So of course they call it in and get it straight and pump me full of poison...just like I like it! haha...what a day!
Hair is still growin on my head, but it doesn't look like it's really growin anywhere else, my fingers are crossed but my hopes aren't high. Might lose what little bit I have again..we'll see. Say a prayer...hate the wigs...tired of the hats..haven't used many of the scarves and just want my fuckin hair back damn it! I was fly! Still am...just minus my best accessory! I'm waiting impatiently for september and more testing and surgery talk. I just want to get it over with...take them both..get me some new and improved boobs and let me get on with finishin my year of herceptin...my five of the damn hormone pill so I can have my damn kids already! Maybe by then I will have decided who's truly worthy of forever by my side...lol. For now, I'll just continue to have fun with good friends...and be content with knowing one day when the time is right God will bless me with the kids I know I'll be a great mother to! Until then I've got my princess...my guy...and the shy one! Guess they'll have to do..don't know what better kids to fill my time with anyway!
Feeling a little naseous right now, but stuffed a frozen pizza in my mouth to chase my chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream anyway! Gotta get my kicks somewhere! I'm makin a 7 Up cake too..once I go to the damn store to get some more stick of butter..thinkin on pickin up some bananas and throwin down some banana bread too...why not? haven't baked anything that I can really think of since all this started...don't know why...just haven't. Feelin more like me these days tho..so I'm gonna start cookin more when I feel up to it and for damn sure bakin! I could use some good eats! Gonna throw down some lemon pepper chicken fingers and fries..maybe tomorrow. Cleaned my bathroom and don't feel like it today. Also gonna throw down some chicken stir fry and put some in the fridge and some in the freezer for next time I don't feel like cookin. Mayb next week I'll make some pot roast with onions, carrots, potatoes, the whole nine. Got rosemary chicken and baked sweet potatoes on my list too! Can you tell I've been able to taste my food lately. I'm all about eatin...I'm sure I'm gonna pass 135 if I stay on this damn kick! Who cares...I'm tall and slim...as long as I exercise and keep myself in check, the slim part won't change! Good times!
Oh...the girls are gonna all be together next weekend! We'll all b a J's house too. Tip's gonna be in town..the other one from columbus..I'm sure Shae will come out too. Can't wait..been wanting to dance the night away! Hope I don't get depressed deciding between wigs and hats and all that shit. Sigh...I know I'm still fly...but still hate not havin my hair! I know I don't look like a boy, but want my effin hair back for real already! I'll figure it out and have fun..won't drink vodka. had one cosmo thursday and felt like I'd had four..headache and all. This is gonna turn me back into a light weight and hangin with S...I can't back track like that!
Spirits are high. Can't you tell...cause stress is low in my opinion. No reason not to be happy..want soemthing right now..hope to get it soon...don't like not getting what I want when I want it..I'm demanding like that, but know I'll be happy when I get what I want so I'm trying to be patient! That's not in my nature tho so it's kinda hard. Anything else...oh being at J's house has inspired me to do more to my house...gotta wait awhile tho..every week at Winship and the meds that go with it are draining me..especially since my hustle isn't paying right. But I'm not worried I always have enough..and enough is all I need!
Oh..on a cute note..my co-worker's sixteen year old neice is pretending to have an attitude with me cause I know the singer she has a crush on! "Tell Ms. Angelique I'm still mad at her, but hope she's feelin better." So cute...they say the whole house has to sit down and be quite when his video's come on...too funny...I remember those days tho! To be a kid again! Love my life though and wouldn't trade for anything in the world. Stress, struggle, hurdles just prep for what's to come next and make you appreciate all the more what's already here. I went to some damn good schools..from high school on..I've had some great jobs..and have tons of experience doing what I've always wanted to do and things I never even knew I wanted to do, but turned out being great at! You can't ask for anything more in life, but to be able to do what you love doing, what you were built for, every day of your life..it's an amazing feeling...all the rest of this nonsense..the cancer of it all..it's a temporary hiccup that just makes me appreciate my life even more! Eff wonder why..skip worryin about it...just push through each day and know when it's over...my life will still be my life...my body will still be my body..I'll still be fly and with bigger and better boobs to show for it all! And it's a necessary surgery now, so I can indulge...great! Eff Cancer...it hasn't got me down too many days...it for damn sure can't keep me down for long...and life's GREAT regardless! What more can you ask for!
Before I met you, you were all your brother could talk about. He spoke so highly of you, and I could tell he thought highly of you as well. When it was time for me to meet you I was a little intimidated, like how could I ever measure up. A short while after meeting you and getting to know you, I also started to see how great you were. But now that I see how you deal with things such as this, I don't just think that you are a great person, I think that you are an amazing person. Right now, in this time and moment, I think, no I know that you are the strongest person I know. You inspire me to become the best me that I can become. My next comment is so first grade, but when I grow up I wanna be just like you!!
Posted by: Tricia | August 26, 2008 at 03:14 PM
Reading this again after almost two years doesn't make me want to cry any less. It makes me wonder if the me you were speaking of still exists or will ever return, but I do say take insiration from my tales of nonsense and inspire greatness in you and all you can get to sit through inspiring stories!
Posted by: AMC | May 29, 2010 at 01:36 AM