Silent Threat: Breast Cancer Chronicles

Best Weekend in a While (Hell Best Week in a While)

So we are on week 5 of my TH treatments.  I just had my fifth treatment Friday.  9 to 3, not 8 hours like the first time, but six is still close enough to qualify going to the dr as a full time job!  Funny, but so not funny.  Since I ran out of PTO time when I was sick for like two days a couple weeks ago, I went to work at 6 am so that I didn't have to lose a whole day.  I need to say here that it's great to have friends that are really friends!  Since my mother hasn't been here since the 8th, I've had to rely on friends to get me to and from work when I'm sick (thanks S); to and from the dr on Fridays, every Friday (thanks S and A); and J has been nice enough to let me crash at her house when I haven't wanted to come all the way to my own house! 

Going to the dr is the same every time I go, especially when there is not really anything new to talk about.  Dr comes in feels you up, measures the tumor size and asks if anything is new.  Then I go and wait to sit in the chemo chair.  It was kind of nice this time not having someone with me at the dr all day...S worked late/early and I wanted him to get some sleep (which I don't think he got) before he had to be back to pick me up from the dr...cause I got to sleep the whole time I was there without feeling bad that I wasn't entertaining the person that was kind enough to sit with me ALL DAY.  Apparently, I'm no hair fresh...lol!  Everytime in the recent past that I've been to the dr..i've gotten rave reviews on my head gear...everyone wants to know where I got my hats...where I get my scarves...this time around some random non cancer having lady came up to me while S and I were in Kroger and asked where I got my scarf from cause it was so nice. 

Anyway..here's why this week was such a good one.  First, I had no stress!  One or two days of headache giving conversations...but no stress.  Hung out most of the week with S, which is nice cause I can completely be myself and never doubt the love.  Gotta sit down and talk some important things thru with him, which again was nice cause we are generally on the same page with most things and insight into another's thoughts is always a good thing.  Went to dinner with J at Lobby at 12 for restaraunt week..the company clearly was cool..the food was fine...the service was not the best at all!  In fact, it was down right bad!  Stayed in town with J Wed and just got home today.  The girls were in town this weekend and we hung out all day yesterday, had drinks, wings, and went out last night.  Haven't been out in forever...haven't been out with the girls in even longer!  Again..good convo..good company...and plenty of laughs to go around.  Plus I got to go out dancing and dance I did.  Nobody bothered me, nobody asked for my number, two random guys did try to spark up a convo, but a shake of the head was all it took to end that!

As soon as T walked in the door Friday night, she tells me I look like I need sun and that J told her I needed make up too!  Only real friends could get away with saying some ish like that to me...lol.  Honestly, I don't think I need either, but since we were going out I let Tip do my make up and fill in my eyebrows.  I must admit, she did a great job and I looked super cute in my flirty wig! (Yes I wore hair on the weekend..amazing huh?).  We took pics and cute ones..too bad the camera went the way of the wind at some point near the end of the night.  So hurt about that...I probably haven't looked as regular as I did last night in a long while and I can't share the pics..sad face.  Best part of it all was that my spirit was thru the roof this weekend!  Not that it's ever really low, I mean I have my moments of course, but I'm generally happy and ok with the Cancer of it all.  But this weekend..I was pretty much on cloud nine because most of this week has just been about life and the regular experiences of life and not about my experience with life and cancer.  What a breath of fresh air!  Even with S, who has been helping with the everyday things that cancer sometimes makes me need help with, we've talked more about life and how we relate to each other on a larger scale than about the cancer itself.  Of course he has questions like everyone else and we talked about why he didn't come around more in the beginning, which was a good thing to bring up because I got a chance to explain why I didn't change how I related to him when his brother died.  I think we both needed to have that convo with each other.  I appreciate being able to maintain my friendships in the way they were before cancer..cause in the end, cancer is temporary and I want to know that those people I truly believe to be real friends will be able to stand by me thru the good and the bad without too much damage done by the temporary experiences of life.  The best thing about S is that he's one of those friends..as are T and J clearly as shown by their comments about my appearance...lol..who will tell you like it is whether you like it or not.  And having no ulterior motives, I take what he has to say serious and listen pretty closely.  We talked about me having a hard time with ppl that couldn't stop asking how I was doing and with ppl that made every conversation about the cancer or wanted to give more affection than before, etc..at first I was really selfish about things like that until I realized that I'm not the only one going thru this..my friends and fam are too and everybody deals differently.  The same way I have to be able to do this MY way, to some extent, I have to allow others to deal with it in their own way.  And that's basically what he said to me, that I can't be selfish, not completely and that I have to understand that they are dealing with it too.  Like I said, I realized that and I try to help those around me deal in a way that is comfortable to them and I try to reassure those close to me that I'm ok with them not knowing how to deal.  I'm ok with them not knowing what to say..there isn't anything you can say.  All you can do is be there when I reach out and listen when I vent.  Help when you can, how you can.  I can't ask for anything more. 

I'm glad I mustered up the energy to go out last night!  It was great being with the girls again!  It was great just being, instead of just being sick.  I'm still not sick from the cancer itself, only the medication, but sick is sick is sick.  Most days, even though I'm still living life and doing what I would do if I didn't have cancer, most days are still about getting to the next treatment, getting to the next side effect, counting down the days to surgery, thinking more about what type of surgery I'm going to have and will I be ok with my decision in the real world.  This past week though has seemed to be more about just being, just living, instead of just getting thru the days.  I appreciate A, S, J, and everyone else that helped make this week that way for me!  Ooohhh..I almost..just kinda teared up there..it's so great to have good friends...old and new!  Thanks ya'll!

Four Down; Eight to Go

So yesterday was my fourth round of TH.  The 15 minutes of benadryl had me out of it of course, what a good nap in that chemo chair!  Afterwards was cool though, I went to J's house instead of going home and sat up talking till about 11...definitely needed something different than the everyday of it all.  Woke up this morn about 5:30..I say when the benadryl wore off, but who knows...all I know is saturday mornings I'm up by 4:30/5:00 am like clockwork.  Got sick to my stomach this morning, but not so bad as the first week of these meds.  I've picked up more weight...129.7...only 5.3lbs to go to reach my goal of 135.  Don't know what's gonna happen when I reach it since it has to be the meds makin me pick it up, since I couldn't put on any weight before I started chemo.  I guess if I go too much over, I'll just drop some when I'm done.  I'm about to start hitting the gym and doin my yoga for abs cause I want to stay right around 135.  Hell it's lookin like 135 is only going to bump me up to a 2...mayb I should go for 140??  We'll see what 135 looks like and if I have the cash to gain anymore weight...my zeros are getting quite snug!

So my mother is going to walk a day in the Atlanta 2 day...isn't that cool??  I've been cuttin stress out of my life like I said I would.  Got some more cuts to make...well pretty much just need to finalize my original cuts.  Put an end to the madness once and for all.  Someone who must be pretty wise said not every body is a friend, friend and boy if that is not the God's honest truth!  Not many people are friend, friends...doesn't matter how much you love someone...doesn't matter if they are fam or not fam...not everybody can have friend, friend status and not everybody should get friend, friend perks!  So genorous (why can't I spell and why don't I care?) me isn't gone, not close, just picky and only holdin down friend, friends cause they are the ones that hold me down.  Every body else...watch out...it's a new me in town...like, love it...or move on!  But one thing I've realized is I can't take care of me if I'm constantly takin care of those that wouldn't return the favor..hell I can't take care of me takin care of people that would return the favor right now and top priority is takin care of me and my health.  Havin fun, stayin positive, and livin the life!

Now back to chemo day..why oh why do I get there to a new nurse..she was nice and all, but got snapped on just a bit when she was the bearer of news that my orders weren't right.  "You're here to get herceptin right?"  And taxol lady..."oh, no, you're orders are only for hercepting...you're only supposed to get taxol for three days...that's what the orders say."  Now listen here, I'm up on everything going on with me..know when and where to report for the next three months of my life..know what I'm supposed to be getting, when I see the doctors and when I don't, what side effects to expect and when to expect them and I'll be damned if you are not going to give me the poison I came here to get!  What a waste of my time it would be if ya'll didn't poison me each week like you're suppsed to!  So of course they call it in and get it straight and pump me full of poison...just like I like it! haha...what a day! 

Hair is still growin on my head, but it doesn't look like it's really growin anywhere else, my fingers are crossed but my hopes aren't high.  Might lose what little bit I have again..we'll see.  Say a prayer...hate the wigs...tired of the hats..haven't used many of the scarves and just want my fuckin hair back damn it!  I was fly!  Still am...just minus my best accessory! I'm waiting impatiently for september and more testing and surgery talk.  I just want to get it over with...take them both..get me some new and improved boobs and let me get on with finishin my year of herceptin...my five of the damn hormone pill so I can have my damn kids already!  Maybe by then I will have decided who's truly worthy of forever by my side...lol.  For now, I'll just continue to have fun with good friends...and be content with knowing one day when the time is right God will bless me with the kids I know I'll be a great mother to!  Until then I've got my princess...my guy...and the shy one!  Guess they'll have to do..don't know what better kids to fill my time with anyway! 

Feeling a little naseous right now, but stuffed a frozen pizza in my mouth to chase my chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream anyway!  Gotta get my kicks somewhere!  I'm makin a 7 Up cake too..once I go to the damn store to get some more stick of butter..thinkin on pickin up some bananas and throwin down some banana bread too...why not?  haven't baked anything that I can really think of since all this started...don't know why...just haven't.  Feelin more like me these days tho..so I'm gonna start cookin more when I feel up to it and for damn sure bakin!  I could use some good eats!  Gonna throw down some lemon pepper chicken fingers and fries..maybe tomorrow.  Cleaned my bathroom and don't feel like it today.  Also gonna throw down some chicken stir fry and put some in the fridge and some in the freezer for next time I don't feel like cookin.  Mayb next week I'll make some pot roast with onions, carrots, potatoes, the whole nine.  Got rosemary chicken and baked sweet potatoes on my list too!  Can you tell I've been able to taste my food lately.  I'm all about eatin...I'm sure I'm gonna pass 135 if I stay on this damn kick!  Who cares...I'm tall and slim...as long as I exercise and keep myself in check, the slim part won't change!  Good times!

Oh...the girls are gonna all be together next weekend!  We'll all b a J's house too.  Tip's gonna be in town..the other one from columbus..I'm sure Shae will come out too.  Can't wait..been wanting to dance the night away!  Hope I don't get depressed deciding between wigs and hats and all that shit.  Sigh...I know I'm still fly...but still hate not havin my hair! I know I don't look like a boy, but want my effin hair back for real already!  I'll figure it out and have fun..won't drink vodka.  had one cosmo thursday and felt like I'd had four..headache and all.  This is gonna turn me back into a light weight and hangin with S...I can't back track like that!

Spirits are high.  Can't you tell...cause stress is low in my opinion.  No reason not to be happy..want soemthing right now..hope to get it soon...don't like not getting what I want when I want it..I'm demanding like that, but know I'll be happy when I get what I want so I'm trying to be patient!  That's not in my nature tho so it's kinda hard.  Anything else...oh being at J's house has inspired me to do more to my house...gotta wait awhile tho..every week at Winship and the meds that go with it are draining me..especially since my hustle isn't paying right.  But I'm not worried I always have enough..and enough is all I need!

Oh..on a cute note..my co-worker's sixteen year old neice is pretending to have an attitude with me cause I know the singer she has a crush on!  "Tell Ms. Angelique I'm still mad at her, but hope she's feelin better."  So cute...they say the whole house has to sit down and be quite when his video's come on...too funny...I remember those days tho!  To be a kid again!  Love my life though and wouldn't trade for anything in the world.  Stress, struggle, hurdles just prep for what's to come next and make you appreciate all the more what's already here.  I went to some damn good schools..from high school on..I've had some great jobs..and have tons of experience doing what I've always wanted to do and things I never even knew I wanted to do, but turned out being great at!  You can't ask for anything more in life, but to be able to do what you love doing, what you were built for, every day of your life..it's an amazing feeling...all the rest of this nonsense..the cancer of it all..it's a temporary hiccup that just makes me appreciate my life even more!  Eff wonder why..skip worryin about it...just push through each day and know when it's over...my life will still be my life...my body will still be my body..I'll still be fly and with bigger and better boobs to show for it all!  And it's a necessary surgery now, so I can indulge...great!  Eff Cancer...it hasn't got me down too many days...it for damn sure can't keep me down for long...and life's GREAT regardless!  What more can you ask for!

Livin the Life

I don't know what I posted last, so I'll just start where I start.  Today is Tuesday, August 19, 2008.  I've had three treatments of TH.  Thus far the only decernable side effects are dry mouth two days in, fatigue, body aches two/three days in, apparently diarrhea and upset stomach (last week suffered through that monday thru thursday..what fun), and today, a new side effect, numb, tingling finger tips and toes.  The numb thing is quite a strange feeling.  It's supposed to be a cumulative side effect, so I wonder how it's going to feel if the numbness and tingling gets worse?? 

Don't feel like writing anymore right now and am not thinking all that clearly anyway.  later!

At Home Sick

So it's been two days shy of a week since the second TH treatment.  So far the only problems are fatigue, slightly thrushy throat, and the fact that I've been sick to my stomach like for real since Monday.  I think the stomach thing is associated with the stress of last week, could be wrong, but that's what it feels like.  Even tho I was sick yesterday, it turned out to be a pretty good day.  S was nice enough to drive me home cause I was in such pain.  Time with S always makes me smile..it's good to have good friends!!  Guess I'll be eating crackers or something till my stomach gets better, hopefully that's soon cause I like to eat!! 

Friday will be the first treatment without the fam here.  MY is going with me.  I told her it takes all day and there's nothing to do.  Oops, sick again.  Gotta go!

Quick Update

Just briefly, I'm three days into my second TH infusion and so far so good.  I got a little sick to my stomach today, but I think that was more stress related than anything else.  Thanks mom!  Aside from being tired, the only other real side effect is feeling like oral yeast could hit at anytime.  My shingles seem to be hurting again too, I'm gonna bet that's stress related as well.  I'm going to get a massage today to try to destress.  Then I'm going to put last week out of my mind and relax, relate, release! 

Went out to lunch today with a co-worker and former co-worker, that was fun.  We ran into another former co-worker of mine, who used to have a crush on me...lol.  He said it was awkward because of the cancer and he didn't know what to say.  I said it's awkward cause I know he had a crush on me and I didn't know what to say!  lol..A said she forgets I have cancer until I'm experiencing a side effect or have just come from treatment...I wish more people were like that!  I haven't completely finished wrapping up and cutting off my stressors, but I'm working on it! 

One Down, Eleven to Go

Today was my first, well yesterday cause I guess today is Saturday the sun just hasn't come up yet, treatment with TH (Taxol and Herceptin).  If I haven't said it before, Taxol is a chemo drug and Herceptin is a drug that specifically targets the HER2 protein my cancer is receptive to.  Taxol, like AC, is chemo so it kills in theroy the cancer cell, but also any other fast growing cells as well.  Herceptin only targets the HER2 protein as I understand it, so it should directly attack and hopefully kill my tumor(s). 

With that said, the day went like this: Leave house at 8am, get to DR around 9:15.  Have an echocardiogram at 10:30, after having blood drawn at 9:30.  Echo showed normal left ventrical function, I guess, however, apparently the first Echo I had back in April showed trace tricuspid regurgitation, which means when my heart releases blood into my body, a trace amount of blood flows back into my heart.  This new Echo showed mild tricuspid regurgitation, which means that possibly more blood is flowing back into my heart.  Doing my research, as I always do, an Echo can exaggerate regurgitation apparently, so maybe my heart is still doing what it was before the AC.  But, AC, can't remember exactly which one of the drugs does it, can have a negative effect on your heart.  The fun stuff for me is that Herceptin can have a negative effect on your heart too.  So they will continue to monitor my heart and make sure that it does not get worse.  One thing the DR said is that the fact that I am super congested could mean that my lungs are putting pressure on my heart and causing the Echo to show the way it did.  I guess we'll see after I shake this cold, huh.  Say a prayer...I don't want to have a disfunctional heart at effin 27!

Anyway, moving on.  After the Echo was an 11:20 appt with my oncologist.  Didn't see her until 12:30, guess she was busy.  First a fellow comes in and feels  me up, like I need yet another person feelin on my damn breasts!  But at this point, everyone's seen them, so you know who cares!  It's a good thing I'm the type of person that isn't self conscious.  Showing the DR my shingles tested my limits, but otherwise, I think some of the drs are more concerned about covering me up than I myself am.  Did I write in the beginning that my DR had issues with spacial proximity?  I thought I was going to have to say something to her, but she's such a nice person that I didn't want to hurt her feelings.  Good thing my facial expressions and body language are so strong cause she got the picture on her own and doesn't stand right in my face when she's talking to me anymore and that's GREAT!  Moving on, by the time I got my schedule for the next three months straight, I was three minutes late for my appt with the much dreaded chemo chair.  Dreaded number one because I'm always apprehensive about whether or not I'm going to get the nurse that I love as my main nurse.  Dreaded number two because the A and the C both cause issues while you are still sitting in the chair.  The A messes with your mouth, so you have to eat ice while they are pushing it in.  Before and After each drug, you get saline pumped into your body I guess to flush the tubes and it tastes like something not nice..you can taste in your mouth and feel it in your nose.  The the C, for me, it burned my nose and my head.  Imagine like a sinus head ache, but with a burning feeling instead of pressure.  Not fun.  Then you get to come home and feel like ish.  So who wants to sit in that chair knowing what comes after?

So at 1:05 I finally made it to the infusion center.  Didn't have to wait that long this time, probably cause I was late...strange right, usually you wait longer when you're late..but I was only 5 minutes late.  So I get a new nurse today and she wasn't bad, just not who I wanted to see.  She started explaining about the drugs I would be getting and that since it was my first time a pharmacist would come talk to me, not that I needed it, I've been reading up on this ish and asking crazy questions since I met my oncologist back in late April/early May, I knew everything he was going to say before he saided, but it's his job, so I let him do it.  They started me on the H before the pharmacist even got there.  The H is what I was most worried about..it has some potentially serious allegeric reaction type side effects that are said to occur immediately or within in the first 24 hours.  I know you can drop dead from anything right, but knowing that your consenting to potentially dropping dead is something entirely differnt than just dropping dead, in my mind anyway.  Thus far, I've tolerated it well.  It probably helped that I didn't get home from picking the D up from the airport until 1 am after being at work all day, so I was tired and slept through most of my time in the chair.  But any hoo, so far no side effects, no reactions, nothing at all.  YAY!!! 

After an hour and a half of the H, they started pumping dexadron, an anti-nausea med I was taking in pill form last time around, into my system.  That took 15 mins.  Then they pumped 15 mins of benadryl into me...that was some crazy ish.  You think popping a benadryl or two will put you to sleep...man, I wasn't too far into the benadryl when I started feeling high and slow.  I could tell the difference when my mother was asking me question and I was moving slow and it sounded like my words weren't coming out right.  Next up was an hour of T.  That didn't feel like anything but torture because by this time it's 4 pm and I've been at the damn DR for almost 8 hrs.  And I'm high on effin benadryl, I just wanted to go home!  Once I knew I only had an hour left, I couldn't go back to sleep, and man when I tell you I was high on benadryl, I was and I don't know how I was able to keep opening my eyes checking the clock. 

At or a little after 5, I was finally done and we were finally on our way home.  Now most of the day before the benadryl wasn't so bad.  My mother and I were getting along pretty well, talking business always makes me happy!  Post benadryl, not so much.  I was super sleepy and groggy and not looking forward to the ride home.  I don't live close to anything, not work, not the hospital and the D, in my opinion, cannot drive.  She's jerky when she switches lanes and even when she's not.  She drives slow and then speeds up to cut people off.  Finally got home and went straight to sleep.  I was basically sleep until about 4:30 am.  Now I'm up, still tired, but not sleepy.  I'm starving too, but what do I eat at 4:30?  Do I eat breakfast, do I eat the pizza I wanted last night?  I can't decide.  So I figured I would share my first TH experience while I thought on food.

Overall, I feel much better than I did through the AC.  With the AC, I had nausea that required two different pills for the first three days and than an as needed pill for at least the first week.  Clearly, I don't know what this week is going to bring, but so far, I have had no reaction to the drugs at all.  Just the benadryl.  So I know that when the D is not here, I'll have to make arrangements for someone to drop me off and pick me up from the DR and if it's not D or S bringing me home, I'm gonna have to spend the night at someone's house till I sleep off the benadryl.  I don't like that idea because I like to be at home, but we'll see how it works out.  I can always go to M's house, or maybe C's house, maybe J's.  I know I could go to A's house, but she has a husband and 3/4 kids, I don't know if I want to do that.  It's just too many people for me. 

I have two weeks to figure it out since the D will b here till next Friday at least.  Hopfully it'll just be next Friday.  Any hoo, today was a long day, but man I'm glad I'm not nauseous right now.  Now that I'm awake, I feel something like regular. I hope that it continues! I'd love to feel something like regular on a consistent basis again!  I want to have fun when I want to have fun and not only when I "feel up to it."  I could still feel fatigue, what with the potential side effect of low counts and all.  But hey, I'll take fatigue if I can forego all the other ish I went through with the AC!

Overall, yesterday was surprisingly not as bad as I thought it was going to be!  I chickened out on getting my blood drawn through my port, but I'll get to that cause they aren't drawing blood from my arm for the next year...what would that do to my veins???  Other than the fact that I'm up again at an ungodly hour, I feel great!!!  Hoping this feeling holds!  At least through the weekend so that I can have fun!  Till the next post...

P.S. I weigh 128!  Woo Hoo!  My goal is 135.  I've picked up 5 pounds in 3 wks, so with 7lbs to go, I guess I need to start watching it and exercising more regularly.  135 works for me and I'm not tryin to go over that!  But I'm so thrilled that I'm finally picking up weight!  YAY!!!