Silent Threat: Breast Cancer Chronicles

Done with Chemo; On to Herceptin

So it's been awhile and boy do I have stories to tell!  MY's birthday bash was something else..such fun..with a crazy rude british guy making crazy rude comments!  Finished TH on the October 17.  Was sick for my birthday on Oct. 19th, although my grandmother was in town from AZ and her and her husband stopped through for a couple hours of sheer agony as I was sick as hell!  Started just H on Friday, the 24th of Oct.  Went straight from the Dr. to my Bday dinner (which was postponed a week due to chemo side effects), but fuck it, it was GREAT!  We had food for days, italian, my fav!  Friends I haven't seen in ages were there, I got great gifts!  Books, books, n more books!  I was decked out in my pink bob, A was in her blue wig and we were sexy as all out doors!  Wonder Woman and Cancer Girl out turnin heads!  So after dinner we head to the club, VIP.  It was a sucky day, rainy and cold, not many people out and about.  So we had VIP to ourselves and hell the whole club to ourselves if we wantd it!  But we had super fun anyway!  J was literally tryin to have me drink myself under the table!  My legs were not cooperating, but I had enough drinks not to notice until Saturday.  Saturday, we finished out my bday celebration with a girl's spa day!  Again, great, relaxing, and plenty of food to go around!  We all pampered ourselves and sat around laughing, talking, and generally having a good time!

Have to tell the british guy story real quick cause it was so crazy!  First, I'm talking to this guy about Palin and her having red patent leather pumps at the Debate.  He calls them fuck me pumps and the british guy turns to me and says "Those aren't fuck me pumps?"  No they aren't, they are sneakers, but with a pretty silver cat on the side.  So he says "Do you dance?"  WHAT?!?!  Clearly talking about fuck me pumps, dude is not asking m if I'm a balerina.  Wow.  So at some point, he says "Are you a member of the chemo club?"  If you hadn't picked up on it before, I only wear hair to work, so I had my head wrapped with a scarf that day.  "Yes I am as a matter of fact."  "Well you're doing good, you still have your eye brows."  "No, I draw them on."  "Wow you really do a good job."  Then he turns to one of my friends and says, "but you don't."  WHAT THE FUCK!  Why would you say that to someone?  Prior, he told the same person, "Wow, you lost weight."  So then he comes up and says, "Hey...Cancer Girl."  Excuse me?  That is not my name..."Well I forgot your name."  Clearly, that's not it, never will be it, and you'd be better off saying "hey you."  "Can you talk this drink down to schizo girl." "So I'm cancer girl and I should be your waitress too?"  MY stepped in and took the drink to schizo girl.  One would think the night of nonsense would be over, but no, his nonsense kept coming.  The whole neighborhood disliked this man since he found the worst possible thing to say about everyone and said it.  So he comes up to me and MY and says "Maybe I'll just be seen and not heard."  "That sounds like a good idea, maybe you should just be silent since what's been said here already is completely ridiculous."  Of course he was speechless!  Finally he says, "maybe I'll take up interpretive dance."  "That would be a good idea, I'll buy you your first ribbon."  Again, speechless.  Then MY and I start talking about how "Cancer Girl" is going to don a cape and tights and turn his rude joke into a hilarious, symbold of strength for me and maybe one day others too!  Can you see it..."Introducing...dun da da da...CANCER GIIIIRRRLL!"  And I jump out, cape blowing in the wind (or in the air from a semi large fan), hands on my hips, chest stuck out high, chin up, in a cute super hero outfit!  Then I say something like, "Fighting Cancer everywhere it's found!"  Now who is the joke on jack ass!?!?!?!?

Just Herceptin went well.  We got some good video at the dr, great commentary too.  We put on a good show at the dr.  Laughing, having fun, and taking pictures with Re's computer, which has crazy effects.  Now that is how you go to the dr!  I have some catching up to do wth the blogging cause I've been so busy getting ready for surgery.   I won't post all of it here cause it may get too confusing. 

Anyhoo, just to document, my bday weekend was great.  It was a good way to celebrate and otherwise just take the edge off of things.  The only time I really thought about having Cancer was when I got to the spa and the massage therapist started talking about how I was getting spider veins and my ankles were swelling.  When I sat back and looked at them, my entire leg was swelling to the knee. Dinner had 33 quests I've been told, VIP about ten and spa day 6.  I let loose and lived up the down time with my friends and mother.  It was absolutely great!  I paid for it Saturday night when my legs were super swollen, hurting, and I was exhausted!  I put my feet up and slept most of the day, post spa away.  I hate that the first time I started typing this I lost my content cause now I can't remember what all I wanted to write in this post and I'm thinking ahead to the next post that I'll write sometime this weeknd.  Until then, I'm going to the other blog and then to sleep hopefully.

One Down One to Go

Yesterday was my second to last TH treatment.  I can't believe I've had 11 of these.  I can't believe I've made it through six months of chemo.  Didn't have to delay any of my treatments.  Didn't have to miss crazy amounts of work. Worked full time the whole way through six months of chemo.  I decided how I was going to get through this shit and that's what I did.  It's been a long road.  I still have a ways to go.  But I'm happier than I've been in a long time.  It's amazing what happens when you cut the nonsense out of your life.  It's even more amazing when you fill that void with things that make you happy!  I'm like a whole new me.  I'm not letting cancer stand in the way of my life too much.  There are things that I have to put on hold, like speaking to the kids.  Going to Europe with my inner circle (I can travel, but with the thought of not getting paid while I'm out for a month or two after surgery and the money I've already put out to pay for my health care, I can't afford to even think about going to Europe).  Maybe next year early I can go on a mini vaca somewhere.  The inner circle may be going to Miami without me too.  Especially if I don't get paid for the time I'm out.  If I do, I may be able to swing it just yet and if I can, I will.  I just wanna do something I would have done before, besides go home.  Which I've done more this year than ever before, but I need for my siblings to see that I'm doing good.  They don't get to come down as much as my mother does, but at least they all go to come once! 

I also when to the plasic surgeon yesterday to discuss reconstruction and radiation.  She says we can still start pre.  That it's the new school vs the old school basically and she went down the pros and cons of both paths.  From the way she explaind it, I chose to go with the new school method, not even all because that's what I want, but because it sounded like that would be the best way to try to achieve the end result that I want.  She explained that either way it was going to be an ongoing process and we could be 5 years down the line still perfecting and tweaking until we feel we've gotten my new breasts to wear we want them to be.  I liked her dedication.  I will like it even more when she sends the pictures that she said she was going to send of a lady my size that did reconstrcution prior to radiation and completd the full reconstruction gambat.  She sounds confident too.  She was upfront about the fact that I may never be as happy with the radiated breast as with the non radiated breast as far a symmetry and other things were concerned, but I think hopefully, i will be just fine.  My breast have never been symmetrical and at least now there is an opportunity to make them as much like each other as possible, but maybe its a good thing they won't be perfect.  I was not perfect before cancer, I don't expect to be after cancer.  I expect that, even tho I was aware before, I will be a more aware person after, I will be a better person for this journey, a more sharing person with the masses apparently (maybe not with those close to me with whom I don't share now, but I'm trying to change that), but I won't be perfect, why should I expect my breasts to be.  As long as I'm not a freak, I'm good!

The timeline will go something like this:

     Surgery on Nov. 13, with pre stuff the day before making my last day of work Nov. 12.  Surgery will consist of bilateral mastectomy (my choice because of all I know about my cancer and me) and immediate implant expander;                  

     Expander will be inflated over six weeks prior to the start of radiation, possibly over inflated to allow for the side effects of radiation without losing too much skin;

     Radiation will start once the implant expander has been inflated to where the plastic surgeon wants it.  It will last 28 1/2 weeks, every day, five days a week and I should dedicate an hour in office.  So about an hour an a half/two away from work;

     After radiation, I will heal from it for six months and then start the implant expander exchange process and the rest of reconstruction which will include tweaking, nipple reconstruction and tatooing and more tweaking.  I should expect to dedicate a year or longer to complete the reconstruction process;

    In the meantime, I start just Hercepting on 10/24 and will continue with that until 8/09.  At some point I will start Tamoxifen as well and will b taking that for five years. 

As far as I know the Tamoxifen will be the last of my scheduled treatment and then I can begin to put this behind me in a sense.  It will never be behind me.  I will never be just me again.  I will be me post cancer.  I will be a survivor.  I will be forever changed, molded by the fire someone told me, a better person, an improved person, the me that life has made me.  I will have to be followed for the risk of recurrence, which is highest in the first 3 to 5 years.  Lucky me, the radiation itself has a small risk of causing cancer in the site radiated in the distance future.  I'm calling that I Never have to go through this again!  I will use this experince to educate and help others.  I will make the most of the opportunities that God has given me and hopefully, I will learn how to stop taking those around me, my friend, friends at Tip so eloquently stole from somebody she works with, for granted.  I will make time to spend time with them and be grateful that they are who they are.  I wrote before, it's been amazing for me just to hang out with J and A after my treatments on Fridays.  I may make this a habit even with Herceptin if J does not get sick of having me every week!  It just does my spirit good.  It helps my healing and puts my mind off of what my body is about to do to me when the chemo really works its way through my system.  I saw the Taxol doing its dirty work on my hands as I sat in my green chemo chair yesterday.  The red spots were making their return.  They didn't stay to long, just showing me that they were there and ready to take over my hands again soon.  But fuck it...hit me...I don't care..I'm beating this shit...I only have to have painful monster hands two more times and it's over! Fuck Cancer...Fuck Chemo Side Effects.  I run this shit to the best of my ability, and not cancer, not chemo, not surgery, not radiation, not tamoxifen can take that way from me!  Pink Fukcin Power! I say this as my constipated stomach is crampin cause I haven't been regular since the AC cycle had me on my knees, literally...hahaha...don't know if I woulda put that on tape! 

This weekend is a little different, I went to a former co-workers sending off party.  She's leaving the PD's office after 7yrs to go into practice for herself.  That'll be me one day!  And I can't wait.  I worry how health insurance will work then, with pre-existing condition limitations on private insurance and all.  But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.  God hasn't steered me wrong yet.  Maybe I took a detour with the Social Security Company, but not even really because that open the door to the PD's office, which I loved and which opened the door to the Hospital I'm at now, which has been so instrumental in getting me where I need to be in regards to my doctors and has been so flexible with drs appts and treatments even tho I'm the new kidd on the block.  

Anyway, I needed to b with them again.  They are my people, except that they are clearly more democrat than I think I'll ever be again.  But MY does a great impression of Palin and we had good laughs all around at Palin's expense..sharing stories of past lives in PD Land and generally basking in each others company.  This is what I mean about doing things that make me happy.  I coulda went home and sat around waiting for chemo to take it's almost final hold of me, but fuck it.  What's better than being in the presence of friends??  And I'm doing it again today!  It's MY's 30th and I'm gonna b there no matter what!.  She kept telling me yesterday that I didn't have to come if I didn't feel up to it, but I'm not letting cancer and chemo make me miss something I haven't missed in years.  Don't think so!

Did I say I'm getting hot flashes and night sweats!  Chemo is making my body mimic menopause.  What fun.  One minute I'm cold, cause I'm always cold.  The next I'm sweating like a pig and hot and all.  Fun stuff, I gotta tell you!  Menopause at 27, whoda thunk it?  Well.  I think I'll close now.  At some point soon, I'll post some more detailed info about radiation and reconstruction pre radiation as comes from the mouth of my docs.  Off to my other blog to post pics of my monster hands..someone else my go through this and can see what it is and what I did to sooth my hands until it went away.  

Pink Power!  

    

So Torn by the Realities of Life and Cancer

  A couple weeks ago, Hurricane Ike hit Texas.  It's been a couple weeks since we ran out of gas.  Gas hadn't been coming regularly and the stations around my house hardly ever had any gas over the past three weeks or so.  This week, I was really nervous that I wasn't going to have gas to get to the doctor.  Since I had like three doctors appts this week, that would not have been a good thing at all.  I don't have Missy since she is still in the shop from her wreck, which is good because the gas shortage meant no premium gas hardly anywhere and definitely not at my gas stations or any downtown where I work.  Tonight is the first night my local QT has had all grades of gas.  My girl has had to put regular in her high performance car since the shortage started.  Missy should come out of the shop this Friday and low and behold she won't have to suffer with regular in her premium tank! 

On a happy note, I went to J's house after chemo Friday (only two more TH treatments to go and I'm done with chemo hopefully for the rest of my life).  Spent all night over at A's house talking ish, watchin TV, eating lemon pepper chicken wings and fries, and just hanging out with the girls.  What a beautiful way to spend chemo night.  Takes your mind off the fact that poison is circulating through your body and that by Sunday you are going to feel like shit.  Takes you mind off of all the shit that cancer puts on your mind.  When I'm with the girls, there are no muted conversations.  Just life and laughs.  Clearly concern is shown, cancer talk is had, but it sounds normal.  It sounds like my life, it is my life, and I'm happy being there.  I need to be there.  I deserve to be there, to be happy, to be among friends on days when I'm reminded I have a serious disease invading my body.  I could probably make it all the way home after my treatments, I can definitely make it home on Saturday after my 2/3 hour nap from 3/4 to 7 am (thank you steroids)!  But sitting around with J watching what turned out to be a Kardashian marathon and talking about shit that matters and doesn't matter..laughing our asses off at the idiots that are the Kardashians...eating cookies and cream ice cream before lunch and after a breakfast of krispy kreme glazed dounuts..what more can you ask for on a Saturday than to be with a good friend doing shit but chillin out.  I mean this is what life is really about, the people that mean the most to you and making the most of time you have with them ieven f all you do is nothing, but enjoy the company. 

It looks like the rash on my hands is going to make a strong come back.  I hit 130 at my weigh in on Friday, only 5 pounds from my goal!  Time to hit the gym so I don't turn into a sloppy fatter girl.  Can't wait till Sunshine gets back on Thursday!  D said last night that he's getting married next month..what a world.  I said, I wish you the best, congrats, where are you registered and I'll get you a gift.  Not mad, not upset, glad that part of my life is over finally after a year of trying to get him out of my system.  That chapter in my life is closed.  I'm a better person for it.  I know what I want and don't want and I know I can be good for someone.  It'd be nice sometimes if life would stop and let the cancer saga end, but it doesn't and in the end, life is what gets you through the cancer saga anyway so keep it going and you'll be able to keep fighting!  No matter what life throws at you, no matter what cancer does to you.  No matter what you find when the truth of it all hits the people you thought were your friends, the people that truly are your friends will be amazing and the support you get will be overwhelming at times.  The world is so much more beautiful, than the ugly people in it.  And one thing cancer will do is show you how to see the beauty and get rid of the ugly..there is not any time to waste in life.  Stop and smell the roses if you like them, me personally, I prefer tulips or lillies, but whatever works for you, bask in it.  Let go of that which causes stress and surround yourself with that which brings joy.  There's no better feeling than knowing that you will be a better person at the end of your journey and that you will be surrounded by the greatest people that have always been there, waiting for a chance to truly be there!  I know I am making no sense cause I'm not making sense to myself.  The point of it all is that you will see things differently, you will do things differently, you will be a better you, so while the road is a hard one and not much fun to travel, be thankful that it can be successfully navigated and that you will be better for it.  Getting sleepy and Re made me want grilled cheese and tomatoe soup..since I need to put on five more pounds, I'm gonna get my tired behind up and see if I have tomatoe soup and some bread...here's to hoping it's not spoiled!

Dreamin Again

And quite frankly getting tired of my dreams!  It's 5:58 am.  I've been up since 5, at first I didn't know why I was wide awake and then it hit me.  I had another dream.  Not just any dream, I had another cancer dream.  Why oh why.  I don't need to hear anything else than what I've already heard.  I'm calm, I know I have to do what I have to do and I'm ok with that.  I am still me and still not happy that people are going to have to see me down like this and want so much to let certain people go until this is done, but I'm not upset about the doing.  

Irregardless, in my dream I'm at the hospital. For what I don't know, but I'm there.  And there with me are some of the cool nurses and staff that have been with me all the way thru chemo.  We are talking about how my left breast is clear for cancer and the PET shows it's clear.  I ask to see the films cause I've never seen them right.  So they show me the films and I can see there are no hot spots in my left breast and they are showing and pointing and explaining what it all means.  And in the dream, I'm thinking "well if it's that clear, mayb I don't need to do both."  All of a sudden, it's like we're lookin at a film of my body in real time and the nurses start bending me this way and that and low and behold, if you turn me this way or that way just right, there is a hot spot.  Something does light up and they've just missed it all this time. 

Funny thing is, if it turned out that was the case, it wouldn't suprise me.  The whole time I've been going through this, they've been checking the left and could never decided for sure if what they were seeing on the imaging was something or was just normal breast tissue showing up cause it was always that time of the month when I was tested.  The left didn't light up on the PET scan the first time, but you know, who knows.  When I realized what I my dream was about, I realized why I was awake since it wasn't that I had to go to the bathroom.  I don't know if this dream was meant to show me what's been going on inside me or if it was just me talkin to me about my subconscious feelings, but I think it's weird.  I wasn't thinking about cancer before I went to sleep.  I'm not dwelling on what I need to do, I am waiting to get the new set of pet results, which I get on Monday, but that's it. 

I'm not gonna worry about it, but it woke me up.  Now I'm going to try to go back to sleep for an hour.

ADD ON:  Ok, so today is October 6.  After I wrote this post and got up to take a shower and get ready for my day, I get a call from the Surgeon.  She wants to discuss my PET results.  Everything looks good, tumor shrank, lymph node resolved itself, and there is no sign of any cancer spreading anywhere else in my body.  Great news!  Why did I have this dream prior to these results???  Am I over thinking things cause of the first dream?  Isn't  it ironic whatever the case.  I wasn't expecting my doctor to call.  I didn't have these dreams before or after any of my other testing.  Didn't have any dreams at any point during treatment until now.  Maybe I'm not as ok as I think I am.  Or maybe I need to pay attention.  I always remember my dreams.  Both of these dreams I didn't remember until I tried to go back to sleep and I couldn't go back to sleep until I did remember.  I'll write later about the details of radiation.