And I'm trying to hold my breath until April 6th. Only two weeks away and finally I will get something like a break. One that has nothing to do with doctors or treatments or sickness or fatigue. One that has nothing to do with Cancer. It's not even like I can't wait, it's more like can I make it. Fatigue is so crazy bad tht every day I feel like the Little Engine that Could...I just keep thinking I can, so I do. It's hard work staying focused, staying awake, getting to work. My body is telling me more days than not that I need to do things differently, but I don't know how to quite slow down. I have too much to do at work not to go. So everything other than work suffers, like everything did before. I focus on just getting through the day. My house is still not clean. I raked the leaves off of my back porches and they are still in the piles I put them in two weekends ago.
I'm not happy I don't have the energy to cook or eat, but I have to keep telling myself (and hearing others tell me) that I'm not going to be all better all at once. I've been going to the doctor what seems like round the clock for almost a year. I still have four months of what I consider active treatment and then some more months after that before the rebuild is complete. This road is a long one and right now a lonely one. Life goes on though. People have to get back to it and I can't ask that they stay around just cause I'm sad. Hell, I'm not even really sad. I like my life for the most part and I'm happy with what I've made for myself. But I don't have the energy to do the things I want to do and so I'm at home alone most days and some days that does make me sad.
I've developed anxiety too. I don't feel like I'm in the grip of Cancer anymore, so I feel like I should have my life under control again. I don't. Well I do, but not in the sense that I accomplish the things I want to accomplish or in the time I want them done. I feel like between fatigue, medical expenses, car and house stuff, I can never get enough done and I'm just fallin farther down the black whole. I'm not a patient person, hence my development of anxiety. I know that you can only take life as it comes, I know that (I forgot that quick what else I know)...oh...I know that things don't always happen like you plan it "demand, over stand it, then you handle it." (Outkast). That's all I do. I don't feel bad that my five year plan is shot, it'll just be a six seven year plan. I'm not where I was when I graduated..I've moved forward..and so..even tho life through a wrench in my plan..I have measured up to my father's rule of thumb. "As long as you're not having the same problems five years from now..." That's my measure of short term success. Long term success is a little more complicated, but I'm on my way there too. Still working on re-education of a mis-educated mind. I'll keep working.
Back to the anxiety. I have a lot of it. I don't tell people. It was a lot worse right before surgery because I didn't know who or what I would be after surgery. Now it's just life giving me anxiety or rather I'm focusing the energy I didn't let myself use worrying about Cancer and I'm worrying about my house, the repairs I want to make; my car, every noise is a break down waiting to happen in my mind; the reveal, what am I going to look like when the rebuild is done. I'm happy now, probably because breasts were never a big deal to me. I didn't really have any and they looked fine, but nothing to brag about. My beauty lied elsewhere..it still does. I'm sure I'm probably worrying about nothing..but only time will dispell that particular anxiety and I know it. Good thing it's not a large portion of why I'm anxious.
Some days I just don't want to think about it though...Cancer that is. I was watching movies on TBS (one of my favorite channels) and things were going pretty good until Movie and a Make Over started telling the story of a two time Breast Cancer Survivor and talking about her strength and what not. She deserves it...which I have no doubt she does. But in those words I hear people around me and boy am I ever so tired of hearing how strong I am or how I should just do this or that to help me get over my fatigue or my anxiety. I'm not that strong, just determined to not let Cancer steal my joy; If I knew how to shake my fatigue I would; Some things I want to do and I just can't effin do!! And you can't understand it because you're notion of tired will never be anything close to what I feel on daily basis unless you happen to be unlucky enough to go through something like this! I hate when I say I'm tired and I'm not really having the best day and someone says "me too." No, you're really not the same kind of tired I am! Any hoo, I'm complaining! Let me stop.
My left hand has been a bit stiff and tired feeling. It kind of feels clogged..if your hand can feel that way. Tomorrow I'm heading back out on the dating circuit...hitting an auto show. Should be interesting. Not really my kind of auto show..we're talking new cars and not classics, which I'm more into, but a pretty car is a pretty car regardless of the year right? It's something different and I didn't even have to think it up! Two weeks till a real for real vacation! And soon enough, I'll be some kind of back to normal and life goes on. Never to be the same, but bigger, better, stronger right? To a great life! Present and future! To a great life. Past! What more can you ask for? Right?
Comments