Silent Threat: Breast Cancer Chronicles

Three Months to Go

And boy am I looking forward to the last Herceptin treatment!  It's a thursday, I shouldn't be sick, it's not sunday!  But here I am, in bed, feeling like I've been hit by a damn mac truck.  I made it to work, but only made it a couple hours past lunch. Sigh.  I had plans tonight too.  Oh well.  Next time. 

Tamoxifen has been fun too.  Hot flashes and other such nonsense.  Five years of this, wow. All I can do is suck it up. No other choice. 

Three Months To Go

So here I stand.  A year and about a month from where IT all started.  Three months, or thereabouts, to go until I'm finally finished with my infusions.  It seems insane to think that since May of last year I've been getting poison pumped into my veins.  First in the form of chemo and now in the form of herceptin, a biological drug.  Good news is that my hair is growing back, my nails are better than they were, although, I will keep complaining until I have MY nails back!  It seems like it's taking forever for the fungus to exit my life.  Then my toenails just look crazy.  The black under my big right toe is growing out, but it looks like the top part of that nail just needs to come off.  My right pinky nail looks like it may come off just like the left did.  All the rest..they are somewhere in between.  Just not quite right. 

So I mananged to slip some complaints in with the good news, so sue me.  Am I as jolly as I was way back when..na.  Life is getting on my nerves at the moment.  It seems like everything is meant to annoy me.  But for a few, the people at work are on my last nerve.  What's a challenge without the resources to do it justice, without the support to back you up, without the help to give you the time to get it all done.  I guess I wouldn't be me if my job was easier or if others worked as hard as I do.  But at the end of the day, I'm tired of the shanagains (sp). I just want to come to work and work.  One day I will find an environment like Jim's minus the nonsense he brings to the table.  Until then, I'm building my skill base. I'm over the politics and dumb factions that are floating all over the hospital.  Exhausting.

Back to the good news.  It's getting hot.  I can enjoy my summer without chemo making me feel like I'm going to die! My backyard is almost in an acceptable state, so when it stops raining, I can go commune with nature. Read, get a tan or two.  Grill, just laze around and enjoy the sun.  Man I can't wait.  Six Flags is on my list of ways to catch a major tan.  Belly Dancing is on my list of ways to catch a major man!  haha.  I figure it will be a fun way to get in shape and I'll learn a new skill to boot.  Who knows when I just may be forced to belly dance myself out of a situation.  If the herceptin stays at bay long enough, I want to hit Thai Chi in the morning. 

I love that the possibilities are endless.  I'm banging...read smokin hot..some kind of fine..damn gorgeous.  Still getting used to my new skin and patiently awaiting my new boobs.  Can't wait to see what the world brings and I'm working hard on getting rid of what DnA brought.  Slowly but surely, my life will be what it is to be.  I hope that I can swing getting in on this house deal with my fam.  I got a lot going, but I want a solid fall back completely unrelated to the law.  Plus I would love to put into something with my brothers as opposed to them putting in on me. 

I'm trying to start over. Rebuild, reboot, refuel.  And even though I've cleaned house.  I've adjusted away where I needed to, I'm finding it hard to move on.  I do for myself and I don't need anyone for that.  I can take care of myself, I don't need anyone for that either.  But I've grown accustom to the personalities of my two and having been for so many years (like 10), it's hard to let go.  Especially when you don't really know where you are going in the first place. 

My energy is starting to come and go.  Some days it's with me and others it's not.  Better than not, helps me take advantage of some of those endless possibilities.  It's scary.  What happens when I don't have to fight so hard anymore.  What happens when I don't have to struggle to get out of bed, to stay awake, to stay focused at work.  What happens when I get my words back.  Who am I when that happens?  Can I give back the emotions Cancers lent me? 

I think sometime in August I'll be getting my permanent implants.  I still won't have nipples, just scars that make me look like I've been molested by freddy krueger...hahaha.  But at least I won't have this industrial grade steel in my chest!  People keep asking if I'm going to get implants as big as the expanders.  If I have my way, bigger!  Not by a lot, but I'd take a cc or two more.  I'm so loving my post cancer body it's crazy.  I definitely wouldn't reccommend the cancer diet to anyone, but it sure served me well thus far.

I stopped taking my Lyrica last weekend and so far I'm fairing well.  I can still feel it in my fingers and the bottom of my feet, but not like when my leg would be numb and I couldn't walk.  Not like that time I fell.  As long as I can bare it, I will not take it.  One down, one to go.  Too bad that one won't be done until Feb 2014. Sheesh.  This whole thing annoys me now.  You do what you gotta do to survive and then you've survived and they still want you to do more. Fuck! I'm a Survivor!  Not a walking medicine cabinet.  I'm cancer free, can't we call it a day and send the damn troops home, what with all the needles that can't find veins and pharmacsists that take 3 hours to mix your meds, which only take an hour in a half to receive. 

I'm happy to be alive.  I'm happy to be living my particular life.  But I'm worn down.  Not give up worn down, just need a second wind worn down.  I gotta find the wind for my sails.  The inspiration for my days. Whatever it is or maybe, I need to find it now.  Before the days stop being ones to get up for. I never asked why me. Other than to help others, it doesn't matter.  I'm not a bad person, I'm not be punished.  I'm just walking a road I was meant to walk.  Now, that I have been walking so long and standing tall through it all, I'm frustrated that I still don't have my life back.  My body back, my mind back, my self back. When does it end?  Does it end?  The reality that it is a never ending journey is just too much for me to digest at the momement. I hold out hope that August will bring relief after crossing two more hurddles, bring relief that life can be lived without so many doctors and so many appts and so many long, boring, days, just trying to push through to the next one.

Somebody may have found Cancer Girl's cryptonite cause she's losin steam by the day.  I gotta make it six flags to power up and soon!